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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26449417">all good things (must)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShevatheGun/pseuds/ShevatheGun'>ShevatheGun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Dax and Kahn are soulmates actually, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Jadzia Dax Lives, Minor Character Death, Past Jadzia/Lenara, what if Ezri...got a different worm, whoops all worms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:15:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,307</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26449417</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShevatheGun/pseuds/ShevatheGun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Losing Kahn twice is two times too many. Jadzia vows to meet the newest one no matter what the Symbiosis Commission has to say about it. Submitted as part of Nine Lives: An Ezri Dax Zine.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezri Dax/Jadzia Dax, Jadzia Dax/Lenara Kahn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Nine Lives Zine</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all good things (must)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Oh</em>, you think with a dull thud. <em>So, this is what this feels like.</em></p><p>This, you think, as Dax pulses with an agony you’re not sure originates entirely from either one of you, is the other side of the looking glass. The moment that the line stretching between the two of you across impossible lightyears and in spite of every taboo goes abruptly slack. In a way, you’ve died seven times. In a way you’ve died none.</p><p>You’d think it would be easier to lose her, this time. But loss rips through you like a cannonball.</p><p>If it were anyone but Benjamin sitting on the other side of that desk, you’d be able to contain yourself. But the wound is worse for coming from a friend - a human man whose eyes hold loss, whose brief, singular life is painted in shades of the same grief that rends you open where you sit.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Dax,” he says. “I thought you’d want to hear it from me.”</p><p>With anyone else you wouldn’t cry. But Benjamin strips you to your softness. With him, there’s no disguising it: the sagging of your shoulders, the curl of your spine. The symbiont twists inside you, screaming in its own way, and your eyes are hot.</p><p>“Oh, Benjamin,” you breathe, and he’s already there to pull you into his arms. You cover your face to preserve your dignity, but to what end?</p><p>Lenara Kahn is dead. You’ve lost her again, and this time, she wasn’t even yours to lose.</p>
<hr/><p>Commissioner Yervo Dol isn’t happy to see you; but he answers your call. You knew he would. He owes you approximately eight lifetime's worth of favors.</p><p>“It doesn’t concern you, Lieutenant Commander. The Kahn symbiont has already been reassigned.”</p><p>“So quickly?”</p><p>When you were still an Initiate, the Commission never considered you ‘trouble’, per se. That was Curzon’s game. But you’re fairly sure that being ‘trouble’ is what you and Dax have in common - what you and every Dax before you has in common. And you can see that realization manifesting on Yervo Dol’s face in real time.</p><p>“Emergency concessions had to be made. The symbiont was critically injured in the blast that killed the host, and would have expired had it not joined with another.”</p><p>The host. That’s what they’re calling Lenara, now. Only useful insolong as she could house Kahn - a ghost, only alive now in Kahn’s memory.</p><p>You’re not sure at what moment your resentment turns to cold fury in your chest.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“A Federation ensign.”</p><p>“An Initiate?”</p><p>Dol sighs.</p><p>“No,” he says.</p><p>Not just fury, now - indignation.</p><p>“I don’t understand,” you say, but you do. You just want to hear Dol say it out loud.</p><p>“She was the only compatible host in proximity to the accident. We had no choice.”</p><p>You shake your head, scoffing with disbelief. “Commissioner… all due respect, the Kahn symbiont is over four hundred years old, and has had six hosts. Joining with someone unapproved by the Commission--”</p><p>“Is far from ideal,” Dol snaps. “We’re fully aware.”</p><p>“It places both the symbiont and the ensign in serious jeopardy. This person will have none of the training, none of the mental structures necessary to retain their individual identity.”</p><p>“Lieutenant Dax - the Commission has made our decision, for the time being. We don’t require your understanding <em>or</em> your approval. And you’re lucky I don’t interpret your interest in this matter as an indication that you intend to reassociate yourself with Kahn.”</p><p>Steel closes over your heart.</p><p>No… of course not. Because reassociation would condemn you both. Joining Kahn to an untested ensign only condemns one of you.</p><p>Under the mental stress of taking on so many previous lives, this ensign might well be completely subsumed. Or worse, you think - their internal identity structure might completely collapse, and every life Kahn has lived, every personality, every mind might begin to swirl together like liquid paint, propelled by entropy and confusion until they become indistinguishable from one another. All six - now seven - identities fracturing under the weight of one another, colliding into an unrecognizable mosaic as the very fabric of Kahn unravels, the identity of the ensign caving beneath them both.</p><p>And then, you realize, with growing terror, Lenara’s sacrifice will all have been for nothing. Kahn’s greatest fear will have come to fruition - they’ll be gone. Erased. Lenara, Nilani, and the four other Kahn’s that now live only in the symbiont. And beneath that, the symbiont itself: the soft, humble personality knit inextricably into every host.</p><p>“The ensign is bound for Trill,” Dol is saying. “Where more permanent arrangements will be made.”</p><p>Perhaps it’s the whirlwind of your thoughts, the tightness in your belly; your breath catches.</p><p>“You can’t intend to separate them,” you say.</p><p>“If it’s determined to be the appropriate choice for the Kahn lineage, we may have no choice.”</p><p>“You said yourself this ensign only became joined because they were the closest Trill available - they haven’t agreed to sacrifice themselves just because the Commission deems it necessary.”</p><p>“They already have,” Dol says. “This is the last I’ll be speaking to you about it, Lieutenant Commander.”</p><p>When the call cuts off, you’re left feeling more hollow than when you started it. In some ways, this is good. It makes you feel lighter. Weightless. You walk to Ops with a borderline hysterical bounce in your step. When you walk into his office, Ben looks right at you.</p><p>“Benjamin,” you say, with a smile that makes you feel queasy. “How do you feel about getting into some trouble? For old time’s sake.”</p><p>It takes you shockingly little time to convince him. He shakes his head, but he says, “For you, old man? I can certainly try."</p>
<hr/><p>It’s not that complicated, after all. The <em>USS Destiny</em> has to pass this way en route to Trill anyhow. DS9 is as convenient a fuel station as any.</p><p>And the Federation know very little about Trill customs. To them, your inquiry into the new Kahn joinee seems entirely innocent. Well intentioned, even. Benjamin tells them that you and the previous host were "close," which is both the truth and a lie. They do you the favor of intuiting the rest, which saves you the effort of making it up.</p><p>"Of course," says the captain. "I'm certain Ensign Tigan-- I… that is, Ensign Kahn would be happy to meet with you."</p><p>You smile, dazzlingly. You know it's dazzling, because you've seen it - Curzon used to admire your smile, and still holds it in your shared memory. Even now that you inhabit the same body, you still feel a little jolt, a curl of delight and desire when you do it, which would be strange if you weren't so used to it… and if you weren't so aware (for the very same reason) of how effective that smile is at getting people to do what you'd like them to.</p><p>"It would be nice to check in on them," you say. "We're old friends."</p><p>"Of course," the captain nods, with an understanding look in her eye.</p><p>She doesn't understand, naturally. Humans are incapable of truly understanding this sort of thing. But you like that they try.</p>
<hr/><p>Ensign Kahn is <em>not</em> happy to meet with you. That much is overwhelmingly clear.</p><p>If you're entirely honest, you thought that might be the case. That was really the point of your "good will" gambit - you knew with the right incentive, her captain would misinterpret any reluctance on her part as nerves left over from the Joining. But you aren't expecting her to arrive in the middle of your lunch break with Julian.</p><p>"Lieutenant Commander Dax?"</p><p>Her voice is sweet and fluting - almost girlish. It's entirely unfamiliar to you. And yet, somehow, the very sound of it stings the back of your neck. It turns your blood hot and your hands cold.</p><p>You turn slowly on purpose. Smile that smile of yours.</p><p>"Hello," you say. "You must be Ensign Kahn."</p><p>Julian, ever eager, practically bounds out of his seat to shake her hand.</p><p>"It's a pleasure," he says. "Goodness, I've… never actually gotten to meet a successor before. By the Trill meaning of the word, I mean. I was so sorry to hear about Lenara."</p><p>It's your first time seeing <em>this</em> Kahn. She's alarmingly young - you suspected, of course, when you learned she was an Ensign, that she would be fresh from the Academy, with all that entailed. But it's more than that; you were young, too, when you Joined, at least by human standards. Ezri Kahn is more than that. She's small, nimble, with a bright, heart-shaped face and short dark hair. Her eyes are limpid and wide, and you can tell from the shy way she smiles at Julian, the timid way she shakes his hand that she's in way over her head.</p><p>"Yes," she says, somehow both smiling and nervous. "It's… very strange to meet you. Again. Sort of."</p><p>Julian beams, seeming to take heart that there's finally someone around who's as adorably awkward as he is.</p><p>"Jadzia and I had just sat down to lunch. Would you like to join us?"</p><p>"I… shouldn't. I'm here to meet with your captain, and I don't want to be late."</p><p>"Ah, well, he's in a meeting right now - Jadzia works in Ops, she can tell you."</p><p>"Julian," you say, but he's off to the races.</p><p>"I'll get us drinks, shall I?"</p><p>Ensign Kahn smiles like a shrug. "Sure."</p><p>"You like - no, don't tell me. Deluvian coffee, isn't that right?"</p><p>"I really don't know," Ensign Kahn says.</p><p>Julian's eager expression muddles somewhat. You do your best to soothe him with your hand on his arm.</p><p>"I'll take one too," you say.</p><p>He brightens a little and trots off, but he still looks puzzled, like he's trying to understand what he got wrong. Ensign Kahn takes a seat at the table, daintily.</p><p>Before you can speak she says, "We shouldn't be doing this."</p><p>You shift your gaze to hers. "Doing what?"</p><p>"You know what I mean." Her tone is gentle, but firm. "This isn't healthy. For you or me. When you and Lenara separated, you both knew it was the best choice for your health and safety in the longterm - even if you didn't make the decision mutually. To be entirely honest with you, I think my being here disrespects the integrity of her choice."</p><p>You're well aware you're gaping a little.</p><p>Maybe she's more alright than you thought.</p><p>"Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know you?" you ask. You intend for it to come out smooth, but instead it comes out quiet, betraying your heavy heart.</p><p>Ensign Kahn's brow creases with what may very well be pity. "In my opinion as a counselor? Yes."</p><p>A counselor - <em>she's a counselor this time.</em> Not a scientist of astronomical phenomena; an expert, instead, in the study of personal supernovas.</p><p>Someone who can see you and Lenara in the stars: staring across the chasm, never touching, separated by a vast, unyielding darkness.</p><p>You push it down and away. Shake your head.</p><p>"Of course. And I don't mean to put you on the spot. I'm only reaching out to you as a friend - and as someone who knows what it's like to be Joined."</p><p>Ensign Kahn regards you, folding her hands in her lap.</p><p>"You mean you want to talk to me as… Ezri. Not as Kahn?"</p><p>"I'm a little surprised that you feel like there's such a distinctive difference between you."</p><p>Kahn looks uneasy. "It's… hard to say. I guess there is… and there isn't." She sighs, her firm professional demeanor wilting. "It's all a little overwhelming to tell you the truth."</p><p>"You weren't an Initiate."</p><p>"No," Kahn agrees. "I never wanted to be Joined."</p><p>"I'm sure you've already heard thank yous and congratulations… but I think what you've endured must have been very frightening."</p><p>Kahn's face takes on a numb, distant look. "I've been assured I was very brave."</p><p>"I'm sure that's true. But that isn't what I mean."</p><p>You place a hand on her arm, and she looks up at you, eyes not accusing, but aching - waiting for you to say something, you realize, that will make her feel better. That will make this all make sense.</p><p>"You've been asked to endure something - to carry a symbiont, and all its memories, all its previous hosts - without ever wanting to, or preparing to. I think it was brave of you to accept. But I think it was unfair of anyone to ask. And I think it must have been very difficult, and very frightening."</p><p>Kahn nods slowly.</p><p>"We were all frightened," she says.</p><p>Your brows raise.</p><p>"We?"</p><p>She nods again.</p><p>"All of us. Me. Kahn. Lenara. ...we thought we might all disappear."</p><p>You can't help yourself. You squeeze her arm, gentle. And when gratitude blooms in her eyes, you feel it hit you again, all at once.</p><p><em>Ah,</em> you think. <em>So this is what it feels like.</em></p><p>"You didn't," you say, softly. "You're right here. All of you."</p><p>She nods slowly, but it's like she's looking through your eyes, into a part of you no one else is capable of seeing. You know she feels it too.</p><p>"Maybe," she says.</p><p>You root her to this place. This moment. <em>This</em> version of her. <em>This</em> life.</p><p>"It's always difficult at first," you tell her. A reminder. But also… not. New and not new. Old and not old.</p><p>"Why did you want to meet me?" she asks, but like she no longer thinks she knows the answer.</p><p>But you know the answer. You always have.</p><p>"I always want to meet you," you confess. "Every time.</p><p>"And I never regret it."</p><p>Kahn gazes at you.</p><p>"No," she agrees, but softly, like it's a secret only you are meant to know. "Me either."</p>
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